Already in the past

How could you be someone if you can’t speak out loud your inner voice and your own opinion?
How could you be an adult if you can’t decide what is right for you and what you want? Do you really think that wise people who try to make decisions for everyone around as they are always right are good and care about you? What are you willing to lose?

The most hard things in life are: to tell the truth, to trust someone and be yourself.

The beginning of the 2021, the first day came to an end and the feeling of wasting of time was crawling back inside to my mind, shakes my body and made me do something or just write some kind of the list, what to do, before the holidays will be finished. A lot of paperworks will coming and I need to handle it in January. Sure after rewatching the “Dark Water” again I don’t think it is a lot for me to write, copy-paste, check twice in docs for a couple of years, comparing with the paperwork that do the real lawyers. No complain, we pay our bills and taxes by ourself. But it always can turned into a bad mood as boredom. Will I survive this winter? Well, legends never die. Once in a year we recall that have a steam account, but don’t use it to play and rest a little bit.

Something always can switched into bad as depression and misunderstanding and fight with imagined ghosts in the head or the real ones in your simple human life. And the real ones are more dangerous than the nightmares creatures. I am not afraid but hates them. They ask intolerant, harmful questions, normal people will never ask or think about. People stupid and uneducated and sometimes like to be dumb as wood pieces for their sake to not be dawn with the reality. Every time they have a chance to try put some words in speeches about their unrealized dreams and all they life disappointment to cover all of their mistakes they hurt others and blame them for becoming just a statistical records on paper. I try to ignore such people year by year. I do my best.

What exactly I wanted to say… Stranger things is happened to us, of course. What is next? I am very conservative, calm and slow in thinking I suppose, but not in action, that is why I try to be not so fast at doing things and don’t be nervous at all for my own sake. Nothing breaks like a heart, do you know? But I still keep going as I truly am and will be alive inside of my soul for long. I am not alone if you thought so and I don’t need other people besides me. Just kidding, just one more. He is with me and I am happy.

Let me just reflect a little in words. How it was during and before the 2020.
I started to wake up at 5 am before the Japan trip in December 2019 and thanks to my husband I still do that (with some exception when I am ill and feel tired or need injection of baralgin in the early morning to decrease my pain in a belly, that is rare now and I work on it).
I do sometimes a little yoga but still need to train my body more. Will do that and start running in the spring when got the operation this month and this awful years of pain in the head and nose will be ended.
After 3 decades of life you will understand how is really important to have a Good Dentist. It is your precious man if you never want to repeat my mistakes with untreated pulpitis in government clinic for low price. And as an advice, if you are a parent – do your kid a brackets on teeth as early as possible. The best gift for which one he or she will thanks you later.
As the pandemis closed us at home I cooked more, hate it but I think it is becoming more easier with years and not so bad at taste. Celery is made for two things – for risotto and in order to nibble on its stems. I do not eat herring and will never understand this dish. Champignons is a herb. It looks like vegetable marrow is the main ingredient when you start to cook at home and be economical. I like apples, but I try not to eat them either. Instead of a cake I always prefer a pate sandwich, cheese or a salad. I started to eat a lot of salads, they say it is good for health, I suppose. Don’t see the great changes but used to it.
A woman is not required to be able to cook in our days, but she must learn. For the last 6 years I have been doing it pretty well, I hope.
I try not nagging about the environment around, but sure, we think to move from this place. 
Don’t know how it happened, but I have 7 punctures in my ears now.
Last 6 years I watch and read content in english in almost 90% cases. I like to think in English time to time and wright like this: it makes it easier to be more clear in mixing words and make the right meaning of what I wanted to say, when I don’t have a lot of vocabulary knowledge. I think I really speak language not so bad, even if I don’t know a lot of grammar.
I always think about something and there is a time I don’t hear people near or who call me by my name. If you are old friends of mine, you could find such cases in your memory. Now you know what it was. Unfortunately, my colleagues also was witnessed such habit and can confirm it happened a couple of times. I try do not bother them with my strangeness. I hope this is compensated by my knowledges and results at work.
I like to listen to classical music, modern ambient, jazz in order to find myself in the deep imagination and to visits others worlds of my subconscious where I can be free, invisible, independent, alone and fully truly happy as a ghost or just a Holy Spirit if you believe in that (I am not a tru believer if you want to know).
I like the more understandable and simple things as books and music.
I like England and Japan and all Agatha Christie’s stories.
Still never was in the countryside where I was born. Let’s do that on 23 of September in 2023!
Haruki Murakami always will be my writer #1 and Hayao Miyazaki will be my hero of all times.
If you want to read cosmo opera – chose Iain Banks.
If you want to read fairytales – chose Charles de Lint.
My husband only gives me useful gifts. I can’t say I liked them all… I like my old Kindle. It was the best gift and a frying pan too btw..
I support my husband as it must be done by every woman and wife.
I am not a feminist. But if I would play the political games, it could be ended not good, as in the “House of Cards”, I think.
I like Art Deco and Poirot.
I like to have the physical versions of Japanese fashion magazines.
I try to use hand cream everywhere, always, and take it everywhere with me. My hands look not perfect because of a cold.
I like gray, black, white and dark blue colours.
Then older you get, the less you remember. Maybe it is for our calmness and the blessing of aging.
Once I wanted to be an artist and director, but the writer is who I will be someday. Also because my right hand is shaking when I do a lot of little details on paperwork. It is hard and I think I will not be able to paint in the future.
If you able to have a pet – do it, this is the best thing that you can do for yourself to become a real human.
I’m not for “Greenpeace”, but I won’t have a fur coat. As I can say now I am from “peter”, believe me – you don’t need a fur coat – it is heavy, uncomfortable, hard to care and clean. But the leather shoes, coats, jackets, bags, accessoires – yes please, always.
Difficult travel routes – my husband’s choice.
One day I will prefer to escape to a silence house in the wood. I think I could go live in the village to grow tomatoes, but V. said I will not survive.
In 2015 I accidentally lost all the photos for 2012 year, when reloading data from a laptop to another – it was a wonderful year, now I know the value of clouds.
My husband say I have a german accent, when read in english without thinking about the prononciation, and no matter how hard I try to hide it through my terrible british or american accent. It is like a firmware was tried to be demolished after the school, but nothing was installed instead.
With Japanese language I am in a difficult relationships. It is like we just broke up a couple years ago.
I grew up together with Harry Potter and do have green eyes too.
I have a bunch of scars from falling off a bike.
I didn’t like a music school and can hardly read notes (I played for 8 years), but can improvise in some way. I asked parents to pay for my art school right after the music school and studied there for 4 years. I wanted it and also because the music scholl was not my decision from the beginning. I wanted to quit study there many times but was ignored. My teacher was bad and she said a bad things about me and beat my hands. It was stopped when my father talked to her but I must finished and got a stupid sheet of “diploma”.
I have never smoked.
I have never tried a vodka.
I like tea more than coffee.
Cleaning the house calms me down and make to reflect.
I have just a few friends.
I will never work at the bank again.
I’m not a 100% introvert
Everyone is depressed in winter here – I drink D3 to survive.
I was good at mathematics and literature at school, but never try to worked it out to be better or to be noticed.On the contrary, I wanted to be invisible and was decided to inferior everything to another person. It was just once I wanted to be noticed, but the mistake I’ve done was became just an unsuccessful failure. It was time when I was needed a little support from the teacher and a friend, but I got nothing besides hates, blame, bullying and loneliness. I wanted just a little win for my own sake. But they all didn’t understood that and betray me. I was just a lonely kid, guys, who copied the correct answers once at the school “Olympiad” test (school competition).
I can give up sugar and milk, but not bread and pasta.
I have a lot of gray hair now and dye it, trying to find a good color for me.
I try to go to bed at 10 pm every day.

Maybe next time I will tell you something else about myself for my future memoirs. 
Maybe next year. ->>>>>
Happy new year!