Fix it out…

Just thinking about something…

I find myself at the crossroads and it’s again the beginning. I don’t know what to do and don’t know where I need to move. It’s not the same like be on a path that seems to go nowhere. And I ain’t unhappy person. I just unsure as to how to proceed. My comfort zone is make me happy. I like the place, where I’m living. I met a love of my life and it’s the more happiness, what can be.

Life makes you to choose the road and to try things to realize what you want or don’t want to do. At that moment (what happens to me not in the first time) – I just don’t know. How said my V., it’s the worst phrase I say.

Of course our life is full of interesting twists and turns. And I understand that if I will doing things that I enjoy doing whether a job or hobby, it will make my journey interesting and more fun. But the main problem is: what I really want? I need to find it. And it’s not depend on my current projects as my books, searching of new contests or the ways to publish some of them, or posting in my blog, drawing and taking photographs. I’m looking for something more for my future. And I didn’t find it yet.

Stuff happens. Today I have a job and a place where to live, but what will be tomorrow? Maybe I’ll be fired, turn 30, 40, 50, and I will find I have nothing. I will laid on the couch, be in depressed. To take uncertainty and turn it on its head is not so easy. I know that even very bad thing is an opportunity to make something good happen.

Of course I know I need to start taking the time to pursue my dreams. I don’t want to find myself at the end of my life with nothing to show for it but a lot of posts and a bunch of shows I just had to watch. Am I serious about pursuing a dream?

I had a dream. I made this dream a real. And in the end I got nothing but memory about it. It’s an amazing picture of time in my past. What do you know about time? Oh, I can tell about it. I wrote a whole book about a girl, who was lost in the memories. I just want to take first steps…

Where I want to be?
We think we want to do something and then once we try it, we realize it might not be the kind of work we like after all. Or it might be more involved than we realized. It’s important to get hands-on experience and do a lot of reading by those with first-hand experience before we give up our current life to pursue a dream.

I’m taking time for myself and asking questions. I try to learn about myself. I took a white paper and wrote things that I interest and things I could see yourself doing if time and money were no object. I quieted my mind and really imagined yourself doing those things.

I saw a home, where we always will be safe. Our little home, where we will be live, create something, work and enjoy the time. And when we will travel, it always be a place to return. I want to have a studio. Little white room with my stuff of paint tubes, pens, pencils, brushes and canvases. Wooden easel near the big window on the balcony. I want to spend my time to write, read, draw. I want to feel calmness. And also I want to have a job, which I will love so much. Job for keeping money and paying bills and travel! What kind of job it must be? Illustrator, writer, editor? I just hope it doesn’t connect with accountant. I think it’s so boring and senselessly to do paperwork and to be in touch with state officials. I tired to see all this insanity, lack of compliance with the law, neglect of people, irresponsibility of employees. It kills my time and myself.

I know opportunities happen when they happen. Sometimes it’s not the right time, but it doesn’t matter. You need to take them when they are presented to you. Or make them by self. The most important thing to remember I really must make decisions and try things — even if I end up hating them or wanting to do something else. I won’t regret trying things and failing. I will regret that not ever trying at all.

All I need to do now is just find a way to open the door. In order the opportunity couldn’t knock on someone else’s door. I’ll try…